If I were not
by delos13
Summary: Famous witty phrases exchange between Alexander and Diogenes


This story is a very belated birthday present to my dear friend Kleemoon. I hope she enjoys the gift. I started to write it a long time ago and hoped to be on time, but, alas, life interfered.

A/N – the participants of this story belong to history and themselves. Despite some well known historical facts mentioned in this story, this narrative is a fruit of my imagination, please treat it as such.

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The spring in Corinth was beautiful. But so was every spring in Corinth. The city was bustling with activity, especially because it was a year of Isthmian Games. But so was every forth year. This spring of Isthmian Games was very special because young Macedonian king Alexander came to the city to make the Corinthian League to confirm his leadership in the war against the Persians.

As if all this was not enough to spin the head of every gossip gatherer in the city, the latest rumour was that Alexander expressed his desire to meet with Diogenes. This was the last thing the fathers of the city wanted but they already learnt that nobody says "No" to Alexander and there was simply no point in saying "No" to Diogenes. First, they stoically resigned themselves to whatever consequences may follow, however, after some deliberations and arguments they came to conclusion that it may be not such a bad thing.

If Diogenes managed to insult and humiliate Alexander, and so far Diogenes never failed in this area, they would enjoy the occurrence and Alexander can't blame them, it was his idea; if Alexander get mad at Diogenes for his antics and behaviour and kills him or orders to kill him, even better, the Macedonian king will rid them forever of this annoying beggar and philosopher.

But both Alexander and Diogenes were oblivious to all the ill wishers and were quite excited about the forthcoming meeting. Alexander heard a lot about Diogenes, about his unusual life, about his provocative behaviour and insistency with which he challenged the established rules of society. Diogenes, on his own part, was quite intrigued by this young king, educated by Aristotle, ambitious beyond any measure and quite capable of making impossible dreams a hard reality. He saw in him a kindred rebellious spirit to whom the norms of society didn't apply and who wasn't afraid to break the most acceptable rules and go against the current. He wanted to see the young king for himself and there was also one particular rumour about Alexander that the philosopher wanted to confirm.

But so much anticipated meeting didn't progress especially well. The huge crowd of city dignitaries, Confederation members, idle onlookers and Alexander own suite made any sincere discussion impossible and turn the whole affair into a theatre. Alexander had an impression that the philosopher regretted agreeing to this meeting, he looked uninterested, bored, tried to change his position all the time as if something was bothering him and didn't even made an attempt at some witty remark. Alexander almost wished that some of his friends would join the conversation and may be break the ice, but everybody, including Hephaistion, who chose to stand silently behind Alexander, remained mute and didn't take any part in the conversation.

At last Alexander realized that it is time to cut his loses, he put a very pleasant smile on his face and asked if there was any favour he could do for him. Diogenes was almost ready to shake his head in a silent negative response when he realized that Alexander unwittingly gave him a chance to outmanoeuvre himself. Diogenes, casting an almost vacant look into the distance, said in a deliberately uninterested tone, "Yes, can you please stand out of my sunlight."

The king, quite taken aback by this unusual request, threw his head back and laughed. Then, stepping aside, he said, "If I were not Alexander, then I should wish to be Diogenes."

Diogenes smiled. He got Alexander where he wanted him to be during the whole conversation. By taking those few steps aside, Alexander made possible for Diogenes to see Hephaistion, who was before that hidden by Alexander's figure. Contemplating the breathtaking view for a couple of moments, philosopher thought, "If I were not Diogenes, then I should wish to be Alexander."

Until I started to write this story, I thought that this meeting was the only thing that connected Alexander and Diogenes. But then I did a little research, and found two more connections. Both, in my opinion, are astonishing facts. I can't stop myself from sharing them with you.

First – did you know that Diogenes died in 323 B.C., the same year Alexander died? And, according to both Plutarch and Diogenes of Laertius, they died on the same day!

This is an amazing piece of information and I was very glad that I learned it; but nothing got me prepared to the second fact. Truth be said, I am still in shock. So, we all know about this witty phrase that Diogenes said to Alexander; did you know that this is not the only phrase that he said to Alexander? There is one more phrase, not the less famous; I would say, probably even more famous. Do you frown you brows right now, trying to figure out what phrase is it? Well, think harder, it is The Phrase. Still no clue? Ok, I give you a hint. Think movie 'Alexander', think old Ptolemy……….now, think about the only occasion (well, 'only' in this case doesn't mean 'one time', hopefully ) when Alexander was defeated. Yes, that phrase, about Hephaistion thighs! That belongs to Diogenes!

THE END


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